How Does a Bear Knock on the Door?
by AozoraNoShita
Summary: Fairytale AU: parody of "Snow White and Rose Red" by the Brothers Grimm. Feliciano is clueless. Antonio thinks everything is cute. Lovino is carnivorous. Oh yeah, and there's a talking bear named Alfred at the front door. Romerica! Two-shot.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: So, instead of working on my college AU, I now have a fairytale AU. The good news is that this fic is completely finished! Yay!

This story is a parody of the fairytale "Snow White and Rose Red" by the Brothers Grimm. My sister and I both heard this story a lot when we were kids, but it has come to my attention that it wasn't quite as popular as, say, "Hansel and Gretel" or "Rapunzel." I recommend reading it before this to understand how this is a parody (Google is love), but I hope the story is still entertaining even if you don't read the fairytale it's based on.

Title comes from one aspect of the story I just couldn't explain. Thanks, Leah.

Rating, as always, for language. Oh Lovi.

How to tell who's talking:

-Lots of cursing, esp. "dammit" =Lovi

-Lots of "ve~"ing =Feli

-Extremely happy with lots of "_mi tomate_"s =Antonio

-American slang, yo =Alfred

-Lack of articles "the" and "a", a la stereotypical Russian accent =Ivan

**How Does a Bear Knock on the Door?**

_By AoNoShi_

Once upon a time, there was a small cottage which sat in the middle of a forest clearing, and in this cottage there lived two boys and their widowed father.

The widower, named Antonio, was a happy and carefree man who adored his sons and doted on them as much as he could. Though they didn't have a lot of money, the small family was quite happy in their little cottage in the woods. The fire kept them warm in the winter, and they were able to grow a lovely garden which provided a bountiful harvest of fruits and vegetables—

"Screw that; I want some meat, dammit!"

"But—but look how cute it is! Just like you, _mi tomate_!"

"I am not cute, bastard! And I want some rabbit for dinner so just kill the damn thing already!"

"No~! Please don't say that, _fratello_! Papa is right; we should be friends with all the animals in the forest!"

"What is _wrong_ with you people?"

Ah, yes. The two brothers. They were actually a pair of twins. The older brother was named Tomato Red, after their father's favorite food (which would later become a favorite of the older twin's, as well). The younger was named Flag White because of the white flag he was mysteriously able to produce at any given moment.

However, the twins' mother, Roderich, had said, "We are _not_ giving our children such ridiculous names, Antonio!" and had christened them Lovino and Feliciano. Shortly afterwards he ran off with a Hungarian woman. Thankfully, though, his names stuck and the twins did not have to suffer the indignity of being called Tomato Red and Flag White (though Lovino did still get compared to a tomato a lot).

Anyways, despite Lovino's protests both were actually quite cute, much to their father's glee. Although they were twins, their personalities were quite different.

Feliciano was a kind and helpful son, if a bit—er, very much a weakling. During the day he often stayed inside to help with the cleaning and cooking and clothes-mending. He was so kind (and completely harmless) that the animals of the forest never ran away when he approached, but instead remained still and docile and allowed him to pet them.

Lovino, on the other hand, had a gruff manner and coarse mouth. Rather than help with any of the chores, he stayed outside and took naps in the sun. The only thing he ever helped with was harvesting the tomatoes from the garden, but half the time he ended up eating a good portion of the crop. Plus, all the woodland creatures were terrified of him because of his desire to include meat in their meals.

(It wasn't so much that Antonio and Feliciano wanted to be vegetarians—it was just that the town was quite a long walk away, and meat was expensive, and the only animals that lived near their cottage were soooo cute!)

All in all, Lovino was a bit of a troublesome child, but his father and brother loved him anyway. Feliciano was fond of telling the story of one night when the brothers had stayed out too late and gotten lost in the dark of the forest.

Realizing they weren't going to get anywhere until the sun's light returned, they decided to lie down for the night and wait until morning to find their way back home.

Feliciano had gone to sleep immediately, but fear of the scarier creatures of the forest, the ones that only roamed at night, made his slumber restless. At one point he had woken up from a nightmare, only to see Lovino still awake, sitting up and keeping watch, amber eyes glinting fiercely in a small shaft of moonlight that had broken through the gnarled branches above.

Comforted, he'd almost instantly fallen back into a calm, peaceful sleep. Lovino blushed and scowled every time the story was brought up.

"Why do you keep talking about that, dammit? We're the only three people here and we all already know what happened."

"Aw, but I like that story, _mi tomate_! It shows your sweet side!"

"I don't have a sweet side, bastard! And stop calling me a tomato!"

"Ve~ I think fratello is very sweet! He kept all the wild animals away for us, ve~"

"Sh-shut up! It's not like I was staying awake to protect you or anything; I just couldn't sleep. There isn't anything dangerous in this forest anyway. If there was anything like that I'd leave you behind as bait while I got the hell out of there."

"Ve, no you wouldn't~"

"Ahhh, Tomato Red! Your face looks so cute all red like that! Just like a tomato~!"

"_Especially_ don't call me that! Chigi!"

As a matter of fact, Feliciano was right: Lovino _had_ kept the animals away, although not on purpose. Even the wolves were afraid of Lovino's carnivorous cravings.

(Break Here)

The happy family stayed inside together on the first day of winter. The autumn days had been getting progressively colder, and that morning they had woken up to the first snowfall of the season.

None of them were very fond of cold weather, so the time was passed indoors with Lovino reading and Feliciano painting. Mostly Antonio just watched them, giggling occasionally.

They were used to it.

That night, however, something happened that had never happened before—someone knocked on the door.

All three of the cottage's occupants looked at each other. Who could it possibly be, this far out in the woods?

"Open the door, Lovi! It might be a lost traveller, stuck out in the snow!" Antonio cried.

"Why do I have to do it? Besides, it could also be a psycho mass murderer for all we know."

"Ve, that's silly _fratello_. Why would a murderer come out here? We should definitely let them in!"

"Why would _anyone_ be out there in the snow—especially someone in their right mind?" But, seeing the pleading and woeful expressions on their faces, Lovino rolled his eyes and opened the door.

It wasn't a murderer, but it wasn't a traveller, either.

It was a bear. A huge, shaggy black _bear_.

Lovino screamed and scrambled away. Feliciano hid himself under the bed with lightning speed and Antonio stared at the animal fearfully from where he sat.

"Haha, okay, I know this looks pretty bad, but I swear I'm not here to eat ya or anything," the bear said.

"…Holy shit the fucking bear just talked!" Lovino exclaimed.

"Language, _tomate_," Antonio scolded, momentarily distracted from the huge predator by his oldest son's uncute behavior.

The bear didn't seem too fazed by the swearing, however. It merely said, "So anyway, my name's Alfred."

"Hello, Alfred," chorused Antonio and Feliciano, who was still halfway hidden under the bed.

Lovino said nothing, and the bear noticed. It blinked at him for a moment, then seemed to shrug its shoulders and addressed Antonio again.

"Dunno if you've noticed, but it's super cold outside, and I'm freezing my butt off out there."

Lovino saw his father and brother nod sympathetically; he gave them a disbelieving glare. They were feeling sorry for a _bear_. The thing had fur didn't it?

…And teeth. And huge, sharp claws. Oh Christ.

"So I saw there was smoke coming out of the chimney here and I was wondering if I could hang out by your fire tonight. I swear I won't hurt you or anything, it's just that I hate the cold. Really, reeeeeally hate it."

"You poor thing!" Antonio stood to usher the bear all the way inside and shut the door behind it. Lovino noticed with horror he was wearing the same expression as if he'd just spotted an adorable fluffy animal.

The bear—or Alfred, as it apparently went by—ambled towards the fire.

"Oh wait, before you sit down," Antonio said. "Boys, why don't you come out and brush the snow off our guest's coat?"

"Okay!" Feliciano chirped, emerging from his hiding place and heading towards Alfred. Lovino opened his mouth to protest this new lunacy, but his idiot brother had already moved forward and begun grooming the bear.

Well fuck. Lovino stepped forward as well—because he had to protect his little brother, of course. _Not_ because he kind of wanted to touch the bear, too.

Alfred's fur was coarse, and slick with water where the snow was already beginning to melt in the warmth of their cottage. He helped Feliciano brush clumps of snow off the bear's coat. He huffed a bit as he realized this would create quite a few puddles, but the noise caused the bear to look at him again, so he fell silent.

Finally, relatively free of the cold powder, Alfred lumbered onto a dry spot on the hearth and flopped down. He gave a contented, comfortable-sounding growl.

"Oh man that feels so much better. Thanks! Uh…"

"My name's Antonio," their father said, smiling. "And these are my boys, Tomato Red and Flag White—"

Lovino's face turned bright red (not like a tomato, dammit!)

"Our names are Lovino and Feliciano, dumbass, not those ridiculous ones you came up with!"

"Aw, but I like my names!"

"Well sure they're cute names," Alfred cut off Lovino's impending tirade. Antonio perked up hearing their guest agree with him. "But they are kind of a mouthful."

"True, true," Antonio admitted with a laugh, flapping his hand in a 'wave it off' gesture. "Lovi and Feli will work, then."

"That's Lovi_no _and Feli_ciano_, stupid."

"Ve~ I don't mind being called Feli."

Lovino shot his brother a sour look.

Alfred began to laugh (in a bearish sort of way).

"What's so funny?" Lovino demanded.

"Haha, uh, nothing. It's just…you've got a nice place here. A nice family."

And with that statement Alfred won over his idiot father and brother and became a frequent guest of their cottage.

(Break Here)

_Sometime in December…_

Every night Alfred arrived at the door, was brushed off by Feliciano (Lovino helped sometimes—very, very grudgingly), and spent the night next to the fire. In the mornings, Lovino would open the door and let him back out into the snow, watching as he disappeared into the forest.

The boys both grew bolder with their guest, progressing from staring to sidling closer to poking and eventually reaching the point where they would sit next to him and play with his fur.

(It said something about Antonio as a parent that he thought the sight of his children playing with a bear was adorable.)

One night, Lovino was curled up against Alfred's side, idly twining some black fur around his fingers.

"Comfortable?" Alfred asked in a low, rumbling voice.

"No," returned Lovino immediately. "Are you?"

"Definitely." He stretched his neck a bit and yawned. Lovino stared at the bear's teeth—not scared (how could he be, of an idiot like Alfred?), but fascinated.

Suddenly he felt the bear jerk, and Alfred let out a loud "Ow!"

_What kind of bear says 'ow'? _Lovino wondered. Then he realized he'd been tugging at Alfred's fur a bit too harshly in his reverie.

He was about to apologize when Alfred spoke.

"Tomato Red, my dear Lovino,

Why do you hurt you lover so?"

An awkward pause followed.

"Did…did you just speak in verse?"

"Huh. Guess I did. That's weird."

"No shit it's weird. And what the fuck was the supposed to mean, 'your lover'? _And did you call me Tomato Red?_"

"Haha, um, maybe?"

(Break Here)

_Sometime in January…_

Feliciano was the one who discovered that the huge bear like to have his tummy rubbed. This was too good to pass up, so after that all three members of the family would take turns every night, while Alfred stretched out on his back.

"Honestly, you're like a giant dog or something," Lovino muttered one night when it was his turn to rub. Alfred's left hind leg was twitching.

Alfred made a high keening noise.

"Bears," Lovino continued, "do not usually make that kind of sound. Or talk at all. Or sprawl on the fucking floor getting their stomachs rubbed."

"True," Alfred admitted. "Can you—can you go a little to the right? Oooh, yes."

Lovino blushed for no reason.

"Shouldn't you be in hibernation or something?"

"Mm, not sleepy."

"…You are not a normal bear."

(Break Here)

_Sometime in February…_

Sometimes after Feliciano and Antonio went to bed, Lovino would stay up and talk to Alfred. Sometimes serious, sometimes silly, but always fun and interesting.

Not that Lovino would admit that, of course.

One night, they talked about food.

They agreed that tomatoes were delicious, although Lovino was much more passionate about them and Alfred received several solid whacks for making jokes about the boy's other name.

"What I really want, though," Lovino explained, "is some meat. There are so many delicious dishes you can make with a good piece of meat."

"Oh yeah, definitely. I absolutely love beef," agreed Alfred. He shifted a bit. "If you want, once the animals start returning for the spring, I'll catch you something."

"…Really?"

"Sure. I am a bear, you know. No problem catching some animals. Bringin' home the bacon and all that—oh my God, Lovi, you're smiling!"

"Am not," the boy muttered into Alfred's fur, hiding his face.

Alfred had promised him meat…and he'd called the cottage 'home.'

(Break Here)

_Sometime in late March…_

Evening was fast approaching. Lovino stood outside, surveying the garden. With no small amount of satisfaction, he noticed the tomato plants were beginning to green again.

Spring was coming.

He heard a rustling behind him and turned to see Alfred. In the bear's mouth, he carried the limp form of a rabbit. Lovino smiled.

That night they ate well; Feliciano stewed the rabbit with herbs and the last of their tomato preserves. Lovino almost moaned over the first mouthful. Alfred lapped at his own portion eagerly, eliciting giggles from Feliciano and Antonio. After the meal, warm and well fed, they turned in early and slept soundly through the night.

(Break Here)

Lovino awoke early that morning when a wet nose pressed against his cheek.

"Mm…Alfred?" He looked over blearily. "What is it?"

"Need you to let me out."

"Ugh, it's too fucking early. Wake me up closer to noon or something." He rolled over and attempted to go back to sleep.

"Loooooovi," Alfred insisted, softly so as not to wake the others.

Lovino got up slowly, grumbling under his breath. "Why does it have to be right now?" he demanded in a harsh whisper.

"It's…well, spring is officially here now."

"Yeah, and?"

"And I kinda hafta leave. And not come back."

Lovino froze. "_What_?"

"Uh, well you see, during the winter the ground is all frozen so the bad guys are stuck underground. Now that it's thawing out and stuff I have to go and make sure they're kept under control."

"Villains?" he choked out.

"You know, like trolls and dwarves and stuff. Those things are kleptos like you wouldn't believe."

"Why do _you_ have to do it?" Lovino asked, voice starting to grow louder as he became more and more upset.

"'Cuz I'm the hero," Alfred said simply.

_The…hero?_

"Well then why the fuck can't you be a hero and still come back here?"

"I—that just—it won't work, Lovi." Alfred's bear shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry."

Lovino stood, eyes closed and fists clenched. He was trembling—with rage or grief, he couldn't tell which. Maybe even both. After a moment, he threw open the door with a slam.

"Get out."

"Lovi—"

Get out, get out, _get out_!"

Alfred paused, but then turned and loped quickly for the exit. Lovino was already beginning to close the door after him, and in his haste to make it out, the side of Alfred's head grazed the side of the doorframe and left behind a clump of fur.

Lovino threw the door shut behind him. He dropped down heavily to sit on the floor, legs curled up to his chest. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Antonio and Feliciano staring, but he ignored them in favor of burying his face in his knees.

He began to take deep, gasping breaths. His eyes burned, but dammit, he was _not_ going to cry over Alfred. Over some stupid bear.

For Alfred, who cared about what he wanted and didn't mind his language or his prickliness and who talked to him for hours—

"I won't cry," he muttered, even as the knees of his trousers grew damp.

(Break Here)

Later, looking back, he swore he'd seen a flash of color where part of Alfred's coat had torn away—something shining and gold.

But he didn't care about that stupid bear, dammit.

And he most certainly did _not_ miss him.

**A/N**: And I think I'll stop there for now. No worries, though, the rest is already written. So this should only be a two-shot.

Obviously there are a few differences from the original fairytale, and I switch back and forth between fairy-tale narrator and modern-narrator…but whatever. Hope you enjoy it so far.

I swear that's the only angsty part…

Reviews appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: Will I be able to type the entire second half tonight? I hope so, since I leave to go to Arizona for a week tomorrow. No computer! Let's get crackin', then.

How to tell who's talking:

-Lots of cursing, esp. "dammit" =Lovi

-Lots of "ve~"ing =Feli

-Extremely happy with lots of "_mi tomate_"s =Antonio

-American slang, yo =Alfred

-Lack of articles "the" and "a", a la stereotypical Russian accent =Ivan

**How Does a Bear Knock on the Door? **

Part Two!

_By AoNoShi_

Even well into the third week of spring, the air was still chilly. Nights in particular required blankets to ward off the cold. One morning, Antonio sent his boys out into the forest to fetch some wood for the fire.

"We've gone through our supply for winter," he said. "And I don't want to see my babies shivering when night falls!"

"If this is out of concern for us, why aren't _you _doing it then, bastard?"

After a great deal of sulking on Lovino's part, the brothers set off to get some wood. As neither of them was very handy with an ax, they mostly picked up fallen branches and sticks. They continued in this manner a fair ways into the forest, only to be confronted by a most odd spectacle.

A fallen tree lay across a clearing, and next to the tree, there appeared to be a very tall man. He was wearing a scarf, the end of which was caught in a crevice on the trunk. He was tugging at it, but the scarf wouldn't budge. A dark aura surrounded him.

Feliciano ducked behind his brother. "It's a dwarf!" he whispered fearfully. Lovino snorted.

Sure, the guy had really pale skin like a dwarf, who spent their winters underground. And yes, he had very pale hair like a dwarf. Plus he was dressed in heavy winter clothing like a dwarf (they froze very easily).

But he was way too fucking tall.

"There's no way he's a dwarf," he hissed to Feliciano. "He's gigantic. Dwarves are supposed to be like midgets or something."

Then the tall figure turned towards them, and they saw his face. He was smiling, but somehow the positive expression seemed terrifying on him.

His eyes were violet, and his teeth were large and tombstone-shaped…just like a dwarf.

"Holy shit!" Lovino screeched.

The dwarf giggled. "My you are loud humans. You sound very much like dying cat, da?"

The twins stared at him, petrified.

"And stupid, too, it seems."

Lovino bristled. "At least we're not attached to a fucking tree."

The dark aura increased dramatically. Lovino and Feliciano cowered back.

"Pitiful, foolish humans. If I were not stuck I would crush you."

"Why don't you just take the scarf off?" Feliciano asked. Lovino elbowed him.

"Don't give him ideas, idiot! Didn't you just hear him threaten to kill us?"

The dwarf giggled. "That is stupid idea anyway. I can never take off my scarf."

"Guess you're stuck, then," Lovino said unsympathetically.

"We could go get someone, maybe…" Feliciano offered meekly.

_Either that was an ingenious opening to make our escape_, the older brother thought, _or he's actually offering to help a goddamned dwarf._

"Ve, I'm sure our father could help."

_Oh wait, he's an idiot. Of course._

"This is also stupid idea," the dwarf said. His eyes narrowed, though the scary smile remained. "All I was trying to do was get bit of wood for fire. We dwarves do not gorge ourselves like you capitalist pigs; we only need small bit of fuel for cooking. And then my poor scarf got caught, and you stupid, unhelpful humans come along with you stupid, unhelpful suggestions."

Lovino's eye twitched. "Give me your scissors," he told Feliciano. His brother dug around in his apron pocket and handed them over.

Lovino marched forward and snipped through the scarf right above where it was caught.

The dwarf screamed and, now freed, scurried back, clutching the cloth protectively.

"My scarf! How dare you!"

"You're not stuck anymore, are you?" Lovino demanded, hands on his hips. The dwarf glared at him balefully. For a moment it seemed like he might harm him.

Instead, the dwarf snatched up a sack that had been hidden in the tree's roots; the brothers heard the telltale clink of coins. Then the creature disappeared into the forest.

The two looked at each other.

"Ve~ Did he just call us capitalists?"

**(Break Here)**

Eventually the weather warmed more, and spring came fully upon the forest. One day, Feliciano got it into his head that they should go swimming. Lovino protested, but when he learned the alternative was staying with their father to work in the garden, he let his energetic sibling drag him to the small stream near the edge of the forest.

As they came upon the water, however, they spotted a figure on the bank: the freakishly tall scarf-wearing dwarf.

"Screw that, let's go back," Lovino said immediately.

"Ve~ But it looks like he needs help," his brother protested.

"And we should give a flying fuck about this because…?"

"Ve, well, wouldn't you want someone to help you out if you were in trouble?"

"Yeah, but I'm not a fucking dwarf, dammit. And it's not like I'd need help, anyway."

Still, Feliciano tugged him forward.

Up close, they could see that once again the dwarf's scarf had gotten caught, this time in the line of the fishing pole he gripped in both hands. He must have hooked a fish, because the pole was bending towards the water and the line was taut—apparently with enough force that the dwarf was slowly being dragged in.

"You should probably let go of the pole," Lovino said to announce their presence. The dwarf shot them a sideways look and that same creepy smile.

"Perhaps you didn't notice, little human, but my scarf is attached to line."

"It's not like it's a particularly nice scarf."

'Ve, and you could always get a better one later."

The dark aura made its appearance.

"I like this one." The dwarf's voice seemed to drop an octave from its normal childish pitch.

Feliciano started shivering.

Lovino was not impressed.

"Ve, maybe we should leave after all," the younger whispered.

"Oh yeah? What happened to all that stuff about helping people? Since I'd want them to help me and shit?"

"Um…"

"Cheh."

And for the second time, Lovino took his brother's scissors, stalked up to the dwarf, and cut off the end of his scarf.

As soon as it was free, the dwarf dropped the rod, grabbed a cloth sack from the reeds, and ran off. Over his shoulder he yelled, sounding absurdly cheerful, "I hope you die horrible painful death for harming my scarf, da?"

They stared after him.

"Ve~ What a strange person."

"Dwarf," Lovino corrected. "Hey, looks like he dropped something."

He stooped down to pick it up. It was a pearl.

"Wow, I guess that bag must have been full of those, ve~"

"…Holy shit."

**(Break Here)**

It was almost summer.

"We're going to need some new summer clothes," Antonio announced. "And with that pearl you found, we should be able to afford lots of fabric and sewing supplies. And even some shoes!"

"Yay!" Feliciano exclaimed, at the same time Lovino deadpanned, "Joy."

"Eh? Lovi, you don't sound very excited," noticed their father.

"Feliciano is supposed to be the one in charge of buying that kind of stuff. Why do I have to go?"

"Because you're the best at dealing with the shopkeepers!" Feliciano said.

Antonio nodded, smiling. "And you have the best taste in shoes, _tomate_!"

"…True. Feli would probably lose the pearl, anyway."

So off they went.

It happened that the path from the forest to the town went through a large field, which was littered with boulders. The sun was out and the weather was warm as they walked among the huge stones, so that even Lovino couldn't help but smile a bit.

As if sensing his good mood, the animals that lived there didn't flee at the sight of him as they normally would. Birds sang, rabbits hopped, and squirrels scurried. All in all, it was quite picturesque.

"Oh! Look, _fratello_, a fox!" Feliciano pointed as the red-coated creature dashed across the path in front of them. He was bouncing up and down slightly in his excitement.

"Yeah, yeah, I see it."

The fox darted over the grass and around a boulder—a second later they heard an angry yell.  
>The brothers stopped and looked at each other.<p>

"Don't tell me…" Lovino muttered. They stepped off the path and peered around the stone.

Sure enough, there was the dwarf, this time engaged in a tug-of-war with the fox, which had the end of the much-abused scarf firmly in its mouth.

"Ve, you really should get a different scarf," Feliciano said. "That one seems unlucky!"

"No!" the dwarf replied in his childish voice. "It has to be this one!"

Lovino stepped forward.

"No! Don't you dare touch it again!" the dwarf shrieked.

"Like I'd want to," he snorted. "Oi, fox. Let go of the scarf."

The fox went rigid.

"_Now, or I'll eat you for my dinner._"

The fox gave one last vicious shake to the scarf in its mouth, then dropped it and hightailed it away.

"Ve~ Good job, _fratello_!"

"Just look at it!" exclaimed the dwarf. End is all chewed up now! Stupid, careless humans!" He grabbed a bag (undoubtedly also filled with treasure) lying near his feet and disappeared into what looked like the entrance to a cave under the boulder.

"You're very fucking welcome," Lovino called after him, but they got no reply. "C'mon, Feli, let's go."

**(Break Here)**

They returned home on the same path. Feliciano was humming, happy their shopping trip had been successful. Both boys were wearing new pairs of (very stylish) shoes, and each carried a bag of fabric and other supplies to make their new clothes.

They neared the boulder where they'd encountered the dwarf before and stopped—for there on the side of the path sat the dwarf, with the empty cloth sack beside him and a fortune in gemstones spread out on the grass in front of him. The expression on his face was one of vicious, miserly greed.

Amazed at the amount and beauty of the jewels, the twins stepped closer for a better look. The dwarf noticed them and leapt up.

"Stay away from my treasures, you nosy, dishonest humans! I see you eyeing my possessions, but you will never take them from me! Any closer and I will kill you!"

"W-we weren't trying to steal from you! Really!" Feliciano stuttered.

"Besides, we have to walk by you to get home!" protested Lovino.

The dwarf started laughing; the dark aura expanded to the largest they'd ever seen it.

"Kolkolkolkolkol…"

Both boys shuddered at the sound. Lovino got the feeling that _maybe_ they were in trouble—

Suddenly there was a loud roar. All three of them looked towards the forest to see a huge bear bounding towards them.

Feliciano started wailing.

The dwarf blanched, though Lovino hadn't thought it possible with how pale his skin already was, and started shoveling his jewels back into the bag.

The bear was almost upon them.

The dwarf cinched the bag closed, stood and turned to flee back to his cave. In a flash, the bear was there, one huge paw extended, snagging the scarf around the dwarf's neck. The dwarf stumbled back, but the scarf remained hooked on the bear's claws.

The scarf came off.

A thousand shrieks seemed to split the air. The dwarf's neck was uncovered, revealing a huge hole in his throat. From the hole, a stream of purple and black sparks flew out and dissipated into the air.

Lovino didn't know much about dwarves. Maybe it was magic, maybe it was the creature's life force itself, but in any case it was obvious what was happening—the dwarf was dying.

This didn't bother Lovino; the world was better off without that ungrateful jerk and his ugly scarf, anyway. No, what concerned him was that there was a huge murderous bear standing right next to them.

He gripped Feliciano by the elbow and started to slowly edge them away from the murder scene.

The dwarf crumpled to the ground. Soon all that was left was the long coat, in a heap on the grass. The shrieking stopped, and a thick silence descended. The bear idly tried to shake the scarf off its paw.

The boys took off running with twin screams.

"Wha—? Hey! Hey, wait up!" the bear called after them.

Lovino slowed, even as his heartbeat sped up suddenly. He knew that voice. Feliciano stood further up the path, staring back. Lovino didn't dare yet to turn around. Instead, he watched the shadows on the ground before him.

The bear approached, until it was right behind him. It stood on its hind legs, towering over him and engulfing his shadow in its own. Then, somehow, their combined shadow seemed to go hazy, reforming into a new shape. Lovino spun around with a gasp.

A flash of gold.

He blinked up at the blond man he'd never seen before. Blue eyes blinked back.

"Alfred…?"

The stranger's face broke into a grin—only he wasn't a stranger, because the only person such a smile could belong to was—

"Alfred!" Lovino threw himself forward without thought, and Alfred caught him in a strong embrace.

Lovino ended up with his face buried in Alfred's chest. He still smelled like bear and wilderness, but he didn't care. He was back!

…wait. Wait. He was _back_. After he'd left. Left and said he was never coming back.

Oh hell no.

"You. You _bastard_!" he yelled, and promptly proceeded to headbutt the blond in the chest.

"Ow! What? Lovi?"

Lovino jerked himself out of the other's arms and scowled at him.

"What the fuck makes you think you can just waltz back into my life? If you're just going to leave again—"

"Wait! Wait, Lovi, wait I'm not—"

"_And don't call me Lovi!_"

A pause. They stared at each other.

"Lovi. I'm human again."

He was. Lovino looked him over. Blond hair, blue eyes, lightly tanned skin. A pair of glasses perched precariously on the bridge of his nose. He was dressed surprisingly well. Like royalty, almost. The bearskin was in a heap around his feet, as though it had simply fallen off.

"Ve~ Who are you, exactly?" Feliciano spoke up for the first time.

_What kind of a question is that? Obviously it's Alfred: The Bastard._

Alfred suddenly seemed sheepish. "Oh yeah, that whole proper introduction thing." He bowed. "My name is Alfred, Crown Prince of the Kingdom of Hetalia and son of King Arthur." He flashed another grin as he straightened. "My dad would kill me if he heard I didn't give my full title thingy, but I hate using it, so. Ya know."

Lovino gaped at him. Shit! He'd headbutted a prince!

"Ve~! You're the missing heir to the throne?"

The prince laughed nervously. "Um, yep. That's me. Crap, now that think about it, my dad's probably gonna kill me anyway when I get back."

This was too much for Lovino. He turned to leave.

"Lovi! Lovino, please wait!"

"Why? Don't you have to get back home and be the fucking prince or whatever?"

"But…won't you hear me out, Lovi? Please?"

Lovino hesitated, considering. He made the mistake of looking back at Alfred's face, getting caught by those wide, pleading blue eyes.

"Fine," he said. "This had better be pretty damn good."

Alfred nodded eagerly. "Thank you, Lovi! Um, right, so here's how it went down. I was riding around—must've been over two years ago now, being a hero and stuff. I was in this village, and I heard they'd had a lot of problems with thefts and robberies in the area so I decided to help out and investigate. It was early in the spring, and I was out in a nearby forest looking for places the thieves might have stashed the goods when I found this cave. I went in to look around, but the owner of the cave, this dwarf called Ivan, snuck up on me and cursed me so I turned into a bear. And that sucked. Big time."

"Wait. Don't tell me that dwarf you just killed…?"

"Yeah, that was Ivan. I've been chasing him for a while now. He moves around a lot; lots of hidey-holes everywhere. So all up until that winter I chased after him and tried to stop him from stealing more, plus trying to end the curse. It was hard, but I never gave up. 'Cuz I'm a hero!"

Lovino snorted. Alfred ignored this.

"And then the winter came, and he went underground, and it _really_ sucked. I mean, I had no hibernation instincts like a real bear, but it was really cold so I stayed in a cave all winter anyway. I was bored out of my mind! I'm not even gonna tell ya what I had to eat for food.

"Anyways, after that torture was over there was another summer of chasing after Ivan, and _that_ winter I met you guys!"

Lovino crossed his arms. "So far I'm not impressed."

"Ve~ But _fratello_, he was turned into a bear!"

"Big fucking deal."

Slowly, Alfred reached out and gently grabbed Lovino's wrists. He uncrossed the angry brother's arms and stepped closer, moving his hands to hold the other's.

Lovino blushed—he was not a fucking girl, dammit!—but didn't remove them.

"Lovi, that morning," Alfred began earnestly. "I said I couldn't come back. And I couldn't, before I caught Ivan. I wanted to be human before I saw you again, so I searched for him day and night."

Shit, he was blushing even harder now. "Well obviously you weren't looking in the right places; Feliciano and I ran into that bastard two other times, as well."

"Ah, really? He didn't hurt you, did he?"

_Damn him for looking so worried!_

"No, we were fine, ve~" Feliciano answered when his brother didn't. "The only thing that was hurt was Ivan's scarf."

"His scarf?"

"He kept getting it caught in things, so I cut it. And then it was briefly a chew toy for a fox."

Alfred laughed. "That's great! I was wondering why he was so easy to defeat back there; it's because you weakened him!"

"Don't start getting excited just yet, bastard, you're not done explaining. Do you mean his strength was directly related to his scarf? How the fuck does that work?"

"Dwarves," the prince said with a shrug, as if that answered everything. Which it didn't, but Lovino wasn't concerned about that right now.

"Whatever, go back to what you were saying."

"What was I saying…? Oh yeah! I looked for Ivan everywhere so I could come back to you. And then I found him _and_ you. And now I'm human."

"Are you going somewhere with this or not?"

"Yeah, just—just give me a sec." Alfred took several deep, steadying breaths. "Okay. Lovino. I wanted to come back home—come back to _you_ as a human. Because you made that place home for me. Because I care about what you want, and I swear I'll get you meat every day. Because you're so prickly, and that makes you uniquely you and I don't mind it at all even though if it were anyone else I probably would, but it's _you_. Because I feel like I could talk to you about anything, and I know from experience I can talk to you for hours and never be bored. Because you're cute and handsome and sexy and beautiful and you have awesome taste in shoes. Because you blush like a tomato and you hate being called Tomato Red and you take care of your family and you also cared for me and—"

Lovino was smiling. "So help me God, this had better end in a marriage proposal or else—"

"—and Lovi will you please, please marry me?"

_Finally_.

"Fuck yes," he said, and yanked Alfred down for a kiss.

"Love you, Lovi," Alfred breathed against his lips.

"Love you, too. Bastard."

They eventually broke apart to the sound of Feliciano's giggling; this time both their faces were flushed.

Alfred beamed at him, fidgeting.

"…Okay, now you can be excited."

The prince whooped loudly and swung his fiancé around by the waist. "Lovi Lovi Lovi!"

Lovino laughed.

"So you're coming to live with me, right? Along with Feliciano and Antonio, of course. I swear I'm gonna be the best husband ever!"

"You'd better be, bastard." He gave Alfred another peck on the lips. "We're going to need to find some way to transport the tomato plants."

**(Break Here)**

So the prince, his fiancé, his fiancé's family, and his fiancé's family's tomato plants all returned to the palace.

There was much rejoicing throughout the kingdom now that the crown prince was back. King Arthur was so happy that he only gave his son a mild lecture rather than a full-blown rant about his absence and lack of manners.

Feliciano was engaged to the prince's brother, Matthew, since that was how things generally went in kingdoms like this, but he ended up running off with one of the palace guards, a stern man named Ludwig. This was quite alright with Prince Matthew, since he had a crush on said guard's brother Gilbert.

The tomato plants received the best spot in the garden and bore fruit for years to come; Antonio got to see his precious boys dressed up in all sort of cute outfits; and Lovino had meat and tomatoes for dinner every night. Plus, Alfred turned out to actually be a pretty amazing husband, and later on a pretty amazing king.

And they all lived happily ever after.

_The _fucking _end_.

**A/N**: Annnnd it's done…12:40 A.M., not too bad. Gonna go get me some caffeine so I can do my homework essay on China now…

Anywho, there are some differences between the fairytale and this story (the most obvious being that in the fairytale it is Snow White who ends up with the bear-prince rather than Rose Red). But whatever. Also, I made an Artemis Fowl reference and two Monty Python references. Whoop!

Think of me as I fly over your heads, across the country~ And ignore the sleep deprivation~


End file.
